If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you'll know that I've been struggling with depression for years. It's been an off and mostly on thing since I was eight. For the past year and a half though, I've been having wild mood swings from unnecessarily elated to unnecessarily curled up in a ball crying for hours, and antidepressants just made everything worse. I often felt worse leaving my therapist's office than when I went in (I had an excellent experience with therapy in 2002 -- so I don't write off the whole shebang).

I decided I wanted ask my psychiatrist about ECT (electro-convulsive therapy; the rather maligned shock treatment that has an efficacy rate of 85%, better than antidepressants for acute cases of major depression, that is actually quite safe -- muscle relaxants and anesthesia prevent the actual convulsions that gave it a bad rap -- and cheap). I'm not sure if my health care plan offers it, or if it is even available in Hawaii. I told my mom about it a few days ago, and she told my dad, and then I got a call from my dad yesterday:

"I don't mean to alarm you, but I think you might have schizophrenia."

There it was, the S-word. It really threw me for a loop. It is probably one of the most feared diseases -- not just a simple disorder, but something that full-on fucks with your ability to live your life -- really, a sort of mind cancer. As bad as the stigma is for depression, it's way worse for the S-word.

I don't think I have it, and I can't see how at least four doctors would have missed it (the only overt symptom I have is self-isolation). In all fairness though, my dad does have medical training (from his military service), and he lived with a parent who has it (both my paternal grandmother and my maternal grandfather had it). It's something I've always worried about (it usually hits in the mid-twenties). I know my dad is coming from a good, helpful place, but it's still devastating to hear from another person.

I still think it is unlikely that I have it, maybe I'm just bipolar, or manic-depressive (major depression is a frequent misdiagnosis for manic-depression in women because women tend to not be as manic as men, and most psychiatric guidelines are based on the male brain), but crazy people (and I know I shouldn't use that word) always deny their craziness. I owe it to myself and everyone around me (including the imaginary friends -- just kidding...) to get checked out.